Skill #39: Soften Your Start-Up

“We’ve got to talk.”

Did your heart just jump? While it sounds innocuous, this is the statement that shuts down a conversation and often signals there is a big problem. It’s kind of like being summoned to the principal’s office for many people. Believe it or not, there are even worse ways to start a difficult conversation—typically when our emotions have built up or we lose our editing function. As you may remember from Skill #37, we came down a little hard on men/husbands in their ability to accept their partner’s influence  and only mentioned the women/wives’ side of the equation. So this blog is an effort to keep it balanced…. What we know from one of the best sources of research on marriage (see Gottman) that it is generally women who bring up the hard conversations in a relationship (remember—there are exceptions to every rule). In fact, that happens about 80% of the time which means that men end up often feeling blindsided by “the talk.” What we also know is that men have a harder time managing their arousal—in scientific/medical terms—their level of upset. Known as emotional “flooding”, men either instinctively fight back (blame the testosterone) or they “stonewall”—just shut down. When our autonomic nervous system is hit with a stressor, we know these responses as Fight or Flight or Freeze. The challenge is how to bring up a problem in a way that doesn’t elicit this type of response. Gottman noted that when a ‘hard conversation’ starts badly, it will likely end badly as well. I teach folks a strategy that was described by Virginia Satir, the Mother of Family Therapy, in her mission to build healthy communities by developing health individuals. Satir used the Temperature Reading as a way to foster successful communication. It has 4 easy steps:

1. Appreciations—begin with ways that you have appreciated something about your partner or something they’ve done.
2. Bugs or Puzzles and possible solutions—what is the problem at hand and how might we solve it. Virginia also said that there are at least 3 possible solutions to every problem: yours, mine, and the ones we’ve not thought of yet.
3. New information—what are things that we’ve not yet shared that are important to know?
4. Hopes and wishes—what do you want? What are you hoping for? Gottman calls these ‘dreams’ and believes that conflict arises from unspoken dreams, encouraging each partner to be a Dream Detective.

Behind every complaint is a deep personal longing... --John Gottman

Note that this models starts positively and ends positively. Although Satir’s work predates that of Gottman, it is a nice strategy for softening the startup when solving problems.

Communication is to relationships what breathing is to living... –Virginia Satir

In may cases, people wait until a problem has become fully fermented and is smelling up the relationship! People often wait until they're really mad or avoid dealing with it in that moment--looking for a better time.  But a better time rarely shows itself.  When things are good, no one wants to spoil the moment by bringing up a tough topic.  When couples are able to sanction a time for taking care of business, you're less likely to be blindsided by problems. Creating a regular ‘Family or Couple Meeting Time’ can help everyone be prepared for creative problem solving and, using this method, it starts softly and ends kindly. The problem for many people is that we take up a position in our head and begin to believe that it is “me against the world”—with our partner existing out there in the world.  When one of the couple starts a conversation with "you" (imagine finger pointing here), the person in the sights of that finger immediately feel accused (accurately) or defensive. It is the first movement in a Harsh Startup.  Alternately, when the speaker takes responsibility for their part of the difference by using "I statements", the other feels less attacked.  The formula is simple: "I feel ______ (insert emotion) when ______ (name the situation)." It's not rocket science but does require a shift in thinking. The mindfulness that it takes to try a strategy for softening our start-up will also remind us that ultimately, we are on the same side as our partner, despite how messy life can be. And in cases in which we are trying to negotiate our relationship, hopefully, the greater good of both will be the guide. Even in a break-up, being reasonable and kind goes a long way in at least preserving our own self-esteem. Launching an all-out attack may defeat the other, but, in the end, is that really a relationship win?   [bctt tweet="Being reasonable and kind goes a long way in at least preserving our own self-esteem. --LiM²"] So, Soften Your Start-Up because Life is Messy and Life is Marvelous.

Rhea